According To 98 Percent Of Everyone
by godzilla UGH
Summary: What if Chris was there when Dave got beaten his first time in the Kick-Ass suit? What would even happen from there?
1. Chapter 1

"What?" Dave asked, his voice squeaking. He looked between his two best friends his eyes opening wide. "They think your gay." Marty said, his face blank as he clarified, Todd unable to hold in his snickers. "But I'm not gay!" Dave said loudly, ducking his head when he realized he was drawing attention to himself. "I'm not gay." He repeated in a lower volume. "That's not as bad as who they think your gay for." Todd said through immature giggles. "What? I'm gay with someone? Who am I gay with?" Dave asked in a hurry, stepping closer to Todd. Monty stepped up when his friend bursts into peals of laughter. "Chris D'Amico." He said flatly.

"What! Why him? Why? Why do they think that? Whose they? Everyone? Of fuck, this fucking-"

"Hey Dave." Katie said with a giggle as a group of her friends walked up to him. Dave looked at his friends to concur that she was talking to him. "Hey, uh, Katie." He said after a moment, pushing his glasses higher up his nose. "We were wondering if you wanted to come to the mall with us, after school, maybe?" She asked, her friends nodded behind her eagerly. "Well, I, uh would have to check in with my-" he began to say Dad but was once again cut off. "Your boyfriend. Oh! He can come to. You guys are so cute together. It's fine Valerie's bringing her boyfriend to and we already checked in; he's totally fine with you guys being gay." Katie promised earnestly, putting a hand on her arm. "He said he totally guessed anyway." The girl that must have been Valerie spoke.

Dave couldn't believe this was happening, the girl he had crushed on since he first laid eyes on her was asking him to go to the mall with him... Him and his.. Boyfriend? Dave huffed out a nod. "Yeah, I'll ask.. Chris?" He said as more of a question then a statement. "Great!" She chirped her and her posse of attractive girls walking down the hallway. "Dude." Marty said, stepping infront of him. "You could have told her. Are you seriously going to ask fuckin D'Amico to go to the mall? What happens when he finds out; he's going to get your ass fucking killed."

"Why do they even think that in the first place? This came out of no where, man." Dave whined, slumping against the lockers with a huff. "Well, man, you were naked when they found you. He called the ambulance. Everyone is saying you were defending him on a date or whatever, it was on the news and everything. Everyone already thinks Chris is gay anyway." Todd answered with a shit eating grin, laying a hand on his shoulder that seemed more teasing them comforting. "Put it this way, everyone thinks your bad ass and brave and stuff." Marty said with a sarcastic smile. Dave rolled his eyes, "Thanks."

The bell rang through the halls but the three didn't move from where they were and after a moment and the halls had cleared, in which Dave got numerous odd looks and offers to go do girly things with girls Dave dreamed about putting his dick in to, Todd sat up. "Let's get out of here." He said, which Dave new meant lets go to Atomic Comic and read old editions of Thor till he felt good about himself. "Yeah, ok." Dave agreed. He wasn't really one for skipping school but he did not feel like this today. Not when his apperent boyfriend was Chris fucking D'Amico and all the guys were asking if he was getting some on the reg by the richest boy in all of fucking New York.

Dave had never liked his shitty school on account of its shitty-ness and horrible food and shitty people and lack of good teachers and lack of basically anything a mediocre school had but atleast they could walk out the front door without a fucking second glance.

Dave lazily peddled on his bike as his friends walked next to him, the walk to Atomic Comics wasn't that far but the trip exhausted him more than he thought it would and by the time he chained his bike to the rack he needed more than a nap he needed to be out into a coma for, like, 3 years. Maybe by the time that was over he could forget all about this gay stuff. He slumped into the booth, laid his hands on his head and moaned out his displeasure. "This sucks." He said, lifting his head then banging it back onto the table. Which did nothing but dig the bottom of his glasses into his cheeks. Atleast his friends were nice enough to give him his space and share the booth opposite him.

"It could be worse." Todd said. "No it couldn't." Marty rebuddled. And with Dave fell asleep.

He dreamt that he and Chris were watching the new Star Trek movie on his couch, a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Super heros were more his thing but for some reason his mind figured Chris would be into that kind of stuff. They sat close, there sides pressed together ankle to shoulder. There hands were linked together, his thumb running over the back of Chris's. He was smiling, looking at Chris like he was the best thing in the whole fucking world.

Chris was talking animatedly about how Chris Pine may be a good actor but he was no Whilliam Shatner and Zachory Quinto did make an acceptable Spock but only because he also liked him in American Horror Story in which he had many emotions like being a skin peeling phsycopath. Before he new it he was doing the lame fake stretching thing and putting his arm around the others shoulders. In which Chris called him out on how fucking lame that was and that he had better be glad he was acceptable to look at or Chris would just leave and never come back but then they were vigorously attempting to suck each other's face off. Dave had Chris pressed into his couch shoving his tongue down the other boys throat. In his dream Chris was moaning and unbuttoning his pants only to be interupted by Chris's body guard shouting Dave's name and putting a gun to his head. He heard the sound of the gun shot and then he awoke.

He shot up quickly, his glasses hanging off one ear and a red line running down his left cheek. He looked up at Marty who was staring at him with wide, panicked eyes. Todd gestured to Dave's left with a nod of his head and a curve of his hand and it took him a moment to proses he should look that way. When he did he saw a blurry out line of none other then the previously mentioned Chris Fucking D'Amico looking down at him with a scowl and his giant goon standing behind him with his arms crossed, looking especially violent today. "H-hi." Dave said after a moment, fixing his glasses swiftly with awkward fingers. Finally Chris spoke up.

"We need to talk... Alone."

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_Wow, ok, guys. I just watched Kick Ass 2 and let me just tell you, seeing Chris in those fucking low collar, loose, black shirts made me think about how hot and gay he is ok. Anyway, here it is kiddies._ _I got this idea when my brother said 'Wow, weren't those to dating in the first movie?' yep that's it. That's the inspiration. Next chapter coming soon, also I'm gonna need your guys'a help with the next chapter js! So be prepared!_

_-Zillah _


	2. Chapter 2

Chris had seen people get hurt before. He'd watch reruns of America's Next Top Model thinking that maybe Krista was going to be in the last two which was bullshit because she was the only one that looked even remotely human and was standing up for every plus sized model everywhere. He was completely oblivious to the screams in the next room. The pleading, and maybe if his father was in a good mood there would be a final gunshot and then the screaming stopped.

That rarely happened though. Almost, always he would see the person that fucked over his dad being hailed out by his arms covered in blood and more than a few broken bones.

The Point is violence didn't really faze him. It hasn't since he was little. Seeing people being mugged was not that big of a deal: especially in New York. When he walked back to his fathers car from Atomic Comics and saw the boy in the fugly green wetsuit get the near life beat out of him by some thugs across the street he really didn't even take a second look. That was until he saw them rip off the tacky mask. He saw it in his peripheral vision at first, the curly mass of hair that caused him to look again. He new that kid, he was going to talk to him in Atomic Comics that one time. He caught him staring in the hallways. He was his science partner in 9th grade; that was fucking Dave.

For the first time in his life Chris felt the need to stop the thugs, to go threaten them with his family name until they backed off so he could stare down at the beaten kid and call him a loser or something for thinking he was a _super hero_…

But. Dave got up, starting to beat them again with his stupid little batons and for a single moment Chris was slightly impressed. There was 4 of them, they were all bigger than Dave and he seemed to be holding them off pretty well. Especially for someone who obviously had no fighting training what so ever. He was impressed … until he got knifed in the side and fell to the ground. Chris stomach churned, taking a step forward as the thugs began to kick him while he was down.

"Sir." his body guard called, opening the door for him and gesturing to get inside. "Hold the fuck up, Pedro, damn." he snapped, turning his head to the beefy goon. Pedro nodded and let go of the door, crossing his arms on his chest. When Chris looked back towards the fight he saw a giant van hit Dave in the side, flipping him over until he landed on his back, a single cry of pain could be heard all the way across the street before the body went limp. "Holy shit." Chris cursed to himself, bolting across the street, awkwardly weaving his way around cars and dialing 911 at the same time. He could hear Pedro calling his name behind him.

The thugs ran away around him, calling back obsinities as they left. He could vaguely hear the 911 lady speak to him on the phone.

"This is 911 what is your emergency." The girl said in a monotone voice, the scrape of emmry board could be heard in the back ground. "Yeah, oh shit. My, uh, friend got mugged in an ally and im sure hes dying." Chris said frantically into the phone. "Mhmm. And what if your exact location?" the girl asked in her same monotone voice only this time the clicking of computer keys could be heard. "I dont fucking know, that shitty apartment complex down the road from the school." he said, looking around frantically for a sign."Rover Oaks?" "Mhmm, ok, i know the one, an ambulance will be there-" the girl said into his ear. He ended the call, setting his phone next to him on the road.

He turned the boy over on his back, looking down at him, searching for the cause of all the blood. Well, as it seemed the blood was coming from everywhere, bones were broken and bruises colored his skin. "Dave, Dave. Look at me man, are you alright?" he said frantically, hovering his hands over the injured body because there was just so much fucking blood he didn't know where anything didn't hurt.

Blue eyes cracked open, letting out a groan then squinting his eyes shut again. Chris was just glad he was alive. "Take it off." he mouthed. The words not forming in his throat. Blood filled his mouth and tried to spit it out but it ended up just trickling down his cheek. "The suit." he managed. "Take it off." "You want me to take off your fucking clothes?" Chris asked, making a face. "Dad." Dave said scratchily. "Can't.. Know." Dave said, tear filled blue eyes looking up at him pleadingly.

Chris thought it over only for a second before he realized that, yeah, he wouldn't want be caught in a failed fake super hero act either. "Pedro." He snapped. The body guard stepped up from his place behind Chris to watch. "Yes, sir?" "Give me a knife." He ordered, holding out his hand without looking up from the cringing boy on the ground. A knife was placed in his hand a moment later and he flipped it open. He lifted up the neck of the ruined suit and slipped the knife underneath, only to be stopped by a gloved hand on his arm. He looked up at Dave, who after a moment of staring, cracked chapped lips open and whispered. "No... No homo, man." And then promptly passed the fuck out.

He heard Pedro snicker behind him as he cut the suit down the middle of the chest and pushing it off both shoulders before pushing the limp boy over on his side. He pulled the suit off his back and then cut down one side of the leg. Getting the thin legs out of the suit was difficult enough without having to make sure he didn't peek at the other boys junk while Pedro was watching. He finally pushed off the fugly yellow boots and tossed the scraps of suit to Pedro, pocketing the knife and standing by the large man when the ambulance finally came.

They put the nude boy in a stretcher and stuffed him in the back, asking him if he was riding in the back with them. He shook his head no and the EMT put a hand on his shoulder. "He'll be fine." She said with a small smile. She squeezed his arm innwhatbshe thought must be a comforting manner. "He'll be back in no time." before jumping in the back and heading to the hospital.

He walked back to the car with Pedro, crossing the street like a sane person and flopping himself in the backseat while Pedro got into the front. They drove home in silence, complete silence, Chris looked out the window the whole time deciding he needed a nap. When he got home he said hey to everyone of the guards up to his dad's office like usual. Calling night to his Dad and being ignored and then was givin a kiss on the cheek by his mother. Then he walked back the same way he came, nodding goodbye to all the guards and then saying night to all the the other ones down to his room, flopping into the bed and falling asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

**When he woke up the next morning the tv was claiming he was gay and his dad was yelling his name.**

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_I just want you guys to know that someone from my school found my fan fiction account and now everyone is texting me asking to write them porn? Wonderful. Anyway, thanks for reading and, like, review and stuff. New Chapter coming soon. _

_-Zillah_


	3. Chapter 3

"We need to talk... Alone."

Dave froze up for a moment, staring up at Chris like he was some sort of villain . Well, right now he sorta felt like a damsel in distress waiting to be saved. After he finally realized he was staring he nodded, scooting closer to the wall before looking to his friends. "Fuck off." He ordered. Todd and Marty fumbled over one another to get out of the booth and on the opposite side of the shop.

"Tony go... Shoot up steroids in the bathroom or something." Chris said, waving his hand away as he slid into the booth next to Dave. The bodyguard looked between the two for a moment and then around the shop, probably looking for threats, before standing stiffly next to Todd and Marty at the cafe. Once all 3 were out of earshot Chris turned to Dave, his serious expression not faltering.

Neither of them said anything for a while; just simply stared at each other, waiting for the other to talk because there was so much to say.

"You, uh, dress different out of school." Dave said, awkwardly gesturing to the boys, loose, long sleeved, black shirt with the skull on the front that was more than obviously from the women's section as the collar barely came to his shoulders. It was different than his usual button up and tie which Dave kicked himself for noticing. "Yeah, my dad doesn't usually let me wear my own clothes outside- ok look cut the shit, this is serious." Chris said, pulling a sleeve down over his hand in what must be a nervous gesture before getting serious and looking Dave in the eye.

"Are you going to do it again?" Chris asked, his lips pressing into a firm line. "Do what, ask about your-" Dave started. "No, dipshit, the wet suit super hero shit. Are you still going to do it?" The rich boy asked, scooting closer to Dave. "Oh, uh, no man i was gonna give that up." Dave said, running a hand through his fluff of hair. Pushing his glasses further up his nose. "The medical bills cost my dad a lot of money and it was dangerous and now there's steal all over my body now. And it was a stupid idea and-." Once again he was cut off by Chris.

"No, no. It was a really fucking good idea you just did it stupidly." If Dave wasn't scared of dying he'd tell Chris how much of an asshole he was being. "Soo." Dave started, hoping the boy would continue. "You wanna be the superhero now?" He asked. Chris sighed. "No, I want you to be the superhero, I want to fund it." Chris explained, leaning back against the booth. Dave gaped, looking at Chris as of he had just given him the money straight up. "You want to pay money so I can be a superhero?" He asked in disbelief. "Well, yeah, it's gonna take some work you're obviously gonna need some training and a new suit. I'll pay for it, hospital, ride, costume, fucking pizza breaks for all I care. I'll do it I just want you to fight crime for me."

"I don't know man, this sounds like there's a bad part to this. What's the catch? That's not even the biggest fucking issue man everyone thinks were gay." He said, waving his arms around as he spoke as to if to prove this was a big thing. Chris huffed. "Yeah i know, ok. I got bitched at for 3 fucking hours because my dad thinks I'm sucking your cock which also is the catch." He said, rolling his eyes.

Dave looked confused. "The catch is... You're going to suck my cock?" He asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No, sorta,... no listen, ok." Chris said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "My dad has a huge grudge against vigilantes in masks, ok. I have no clue why but he gets off on murdering people that way. I've always wanted someone to be a real life superhero and now the opportunity is right the fuck in front of me. Now, since the news the day after the accident my dad is completely convinced I'm gay, will not for the life of him think I'm straight. Surprisingly he's not mad anymore. So, the only way I get to keep a superhero and you get to be one for free is if you meet my dad, tell him you're my boyfriend and a superhero then he won't kill you because I ,like ,'love you' and all that bullshit."Chris finished with another roll of his eyes and air quotes around 'love'.

Dave's mouth hung open, staring at Chris straight in his eyes as he tried to process the whole thing in his head. He could be a superhero and he didn't have to pay anything. If he got hurt it was covered. He could even eat pizza afterwards, fuck yeah! His face dropped outwardly. He'd have to be gay though, ugh. Maybe he wouldn't have to be gay all the time maybe be homosexual from 3:30 to 6:00 pm or something. "When all do I have to be gay?" Dave asked after a few moments of thinking. "Well, most of the time. My dad insists I have fucking body guards everywhere and they'll have to think were dating to and you're not doing a very good job at being gay, really." Chris said with a scoff.

"What do you want me to do, I've never been gay before." He scowled. "Well just pretend you're a girl then." Chris snapped. "Wait, why do I have to be the girl." "Oh please, I'm obviously the man in this relationship." Chris said, as if that dismissed the conversation. "What, your like 5 feet tall, maybe." Dave laughed, making a show of looking down at him. "Whatever, i don't have to be a fucking moose to be the man. I'm funding this, maybe if you're lucky I'll stick a 50 down your pants." Chris said, rubbing his thumb and ring finger together in Dave's face. "Oh, yeah?" Dave asked, not even thinking before stretching his arm out across the back of the booth to put around Chris's shoulders.

"Oh, yeah, like that changes anything." Chris snarked, about to shrug the arm off it wasn't for he caught sight of his body guard talking into the phone he used solely to contact his dad. He swallowed thickly. Reaching his hand up to thread through Dave's. "What are you-" he asked only to get elbowed in the side. "Are you in or out?" He asked in a whisper, noticing the guard shaking his head as he spoke, just making out the word 'fake'.

Dave's mind thought a mile a minute thinking over his options before huffing out an "In." And then lips were pressed against his. They weren't anything like his dream, they were thin and chapped and he didn't really return the kiss as much as just sit there and let it happen. His wide eyes conveying his shock at the sudden movement. When Chris moved away from him it took a moment for his eyesight to focus and to realize what had happened. "What?"

"Tony's talking to my dad. I wanted to make sure that he fucking new." He snapped out in a whisper. Dave looked up to the body guard who had suddenly changed his tone and nodded goodbye to his boss. Next to him was Dave's friends. Marty and Todd looked at him as if he had just murdered a man, both sets of eyes flickering between Dave and Chris. His cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment but it didn't seem that anyone else in the store noticed this kiss. Good, the last thing he needed was rumors spreading faster.

"What do I tell Todd and Marty. I just told them I wasn't gay, like, 1st period." He asked, slumping back against the seat and pointedly ignoring the eyes of his friends. Chris shrugged, "I don't fuckin know I don't plan what you say just tell them you were embarrassed to come out or some gay shit like that." He said, letting go of Dave's fingers. Chris looked over at Tony and the two nerds gesturing with a nod of his head that they could come back. Tony stayed at his spot but Todd and Marty walked back to the table and slid into the booth with blank expression pointed directly at Dave.

"Dude." Todd said. "Why? You totally said you weren't-" "No!" Dave cut him off when Chris elbowed him in the side harshly under the table. "Yeah, no, me and Chris have been dating for, uh.." He said, thinking of an acceptable time. Chris jumped in thankfully, "We've been dating since a month before the accident." He said curtly, his tone ending the conversation. The conversation did end and it was was silent all except the tense atmosphere hanging around them.

"You owe me, like, $30, man." Marty said, breaking the silence, nudging Todd after a moment of silence. Todd let out a groan, digging out his Spider-Man wallet and looking through his money. "I only have like a dollar." Todd said, showing his friend the nearly empty wallet. Dave's eyes widened. "What? You were betting on me!? What the fuck." He said, leaning forward in the seat. Chris snickered beside him and even the bodyguard cracked a smile. "Well, yeah, I said you were gay, Todd still had faith. But like the Jews your faith has been circumcised." He said, laughing in Todd's face.

Todd huffed and rolled his eyes, slumping into the booth and pouting. Marty checked his phone as he laughed, letting out a an 'oh' before standing. "I gotta go, man. Not that it hasn't been nice watching you sleep but mom will be home soon." He said, grabbing his bag and shrugging it on his shoulders. "You comin, Todd. You can give me that money when we get to your house, loser." Todd whined but got up anyway. "Fuck, you Dave, I hope you get butt AIDS." He said flipping him off as he followed Marty out the door.

Dave stared at where his friends once sat, Chris laughed beside him. "They knew. Oh, that's great." He laughed, covering his face in his hands. Dave huffed .

"Yeah, fuck you man, Katy wants us to go to the mall with her, you and her goth friend can go shop in the girl's section of Hot Topic."

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_**Wow, alright homiesssss.. **_

_**Ok confession time. The chapter after the next will be Dave meeting Chris's dad. Can you please give me idea on what to make him do? Say? React? when I was planning the plot out I realized the way I had it would make it any since. So if you could just like put a suggestion in the review box that would be amazing. Or you could just, like, say hey or something!**_

_**-Zillah**_


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